Be sure that you’re not so full of opinions about what I am doing that you can’t hear a word I say.

Be sure that you’re not so filled with certainty about my path that you’ve lost your ability to listen.

Can you sit wide open without judgment, without opinion, and just listen?

Can you sit wide open and allow me to share what is in my heart to share without jumping in?

Can you put aside your thoughts of right and wrong long enough to just be with me?

Can you sit in compassion while I talk?

It sounds easy, but I’m not sure you can do it.

Challenge yourself to sit with somebody for 10 minutes today with the only intention to listen, not to judge, not to correct, not to inform, not to save, not to rescue, but just listen.

How deeply can you listen?

How deeply can you remain still inside?

Can you sit with my pain?

Can you sit with yours?

You say you want more intimacy in your life.

Then you must learn to listen.

For I will only tell you my secrets if I think you can be trusted

~Hayley Mermelstein

I often hear people talk about how they want more intimacy in their lives. Why don’t others confide in me? Why don’t I have close friends? And while I am no expert I can tell you one thing. If you want people to tell you their secrets learn to listen. Learn to listen in an open and non judgemental way. Learn to listen in such a way that someone could tell you anything and they would not feel one iota of judgementalness from you.

Can you really hold an open space for someone else?

I know that you think that you can.

But I can tell you must people cannot.

Most people can’t really listen. They can judge, offer advice, try to rescue and save, but deep down they can’t really listen. What you have to say is unpleasant for them, or makes them uncomfortable, or takes too much time, or makes them feel like they need to rescue you.

If you are someone who can really listen, you will have more people drawn to you then you can handle.

So learn to listen. Not so you can have more friends on this earth. Learn to listen because it is a lost art.

Learn to listen because it gives others space to share their secrets.

Learn to listen because it is a gift so few know how to give.

Can you go through one conversation without judgementalness, impatience, or the need to rescue or save? Can you go through one conversation with the only agenda to listen as deeply as you can.

When you really listen deeply you give others the space to unravel into their own answers.

It will seem like magic to you if you are really paying attention.

But you have to be able to really listen. You have to let go of your certainty that you know what is right for another person. You have to let go of your impatience. You have to let go of your self righteousness and urge to judge or rescue.

You must bring yourself earnestly to the table with the only desire to give another the space to share whatever is in their heart to share.

If you can do this, you will watch others unravel into their own wisdom, and their own answers.

But do not take my word for it.

Try it for yourself.

Listen with no agenda today. Do not listen to make another see your version of the truth. Do not listen to correct.   Do not listen to save or set straight. Listen only to listen. Listen only to give another person the opportunity to heal. Listen only to give the other person as much room as they need to express what is in their heart.

Do not correct. Do not save. And do not judge. (your judgement will be felt even if you say nothing, btw.)

Sit in as much openness and compassion as you can find in yourself.

Sit in your openness and let anything another person has to say be okay.

Make your only agenda to be to listen as deeply as possibly.

If you can do this, you will hear on a whole new level and others will be drawn to you in ways you have never experienced.

If you can do this, you will become a healing salve in a world filled with quick answers and opinions, judgementalness, self righteousness and impatience.

Learn to listen. Learn to listen.

People need to feel safe to express more than they need your advice.

Experiment with this today. Sit in compassion. Sit in openness. Let go of your need to correct and see how deeply you can listen.

What will happen in your relationships and your life will shock you.

When I come to you with my heartache and sorrow, can you just listen, really listen? Can you listen without the need to judge me, with out the need to correct me, without the need to tell me what to do, without the need to protect me or save me from myself?

When I tell you my pain can you not tell me all the ways I am not seeing this correctly, can you not tell me that I am acting like a teenager, can you not tell me that I’m worrying way too much about this? Can you not tell me what I need to do or say? Could you just listen for as long as it takes?

Can you listen until I find my way?
Can you listen until I unwind into my own knowing?
Can you just listen because I have something I need to share and express?
Can you listen and allow me my process?
Can you listen just for listening sake?

Can you listen with compassion?
Can you listen with understanding?

Can you understand everyone has something they are working through and even if you know all the answers, even if you think you know everything I am doing wrong, even if you think I should be over this by now, can you just listen?

Can you listen and know that I just need to talk.

I don’t need you to tell me what to do.

I don’t need you to tell me what to say.

I don’t need you to protect me from myself.

I don’t need you to educate me about everything I am doing wrong.

I don’t need you to tell me how ridiculous I am being.

I need you to love me and I need you to listen.

When you really listen without the need to protect, judge, rescue, save or set straight, when you really listen just for the sake of listening, you give other people the relief of sharing what is going on for them. You give them the opportunity to find their own answers. When you listen you allow others to have their process. When you listen without judgement or thought about how they should navigate their life you allow them space to come to their own knowing and step into their own power. When you listen just for the sake of listening you offer the deepest healing of all.

And so for today practice listening. Hold back on advice giving. Hold back on judging. Hold back on thinking you know. Just listen. Just listen and send love and trust that the people in your life will find their own way, in there own time.

Listen and love. This is all that is asked of you for today.

Of course, there are times when advice giving is sometimes appropriate and even life saving. But it is only through deep listening that we will know when it is time to speak up.

(It is said that God gives us two ears and one mouth for a reason.)

For today, focusing on listening.

See how deeply you can listen and when you feel you want to advise, judge, correct, set straight or tell someone how absurd they are being, listen even deeper.  Make listening your utmost priority for today and let any words you speak come from this place of deep listening.

Your deep listening will allow others to unwind into their own answers.

Listen deeply today and offer someone something that is a rare and special gift: your time, your attention and your love. Listen deeply today and give others the space to share what is truly going on for them.  In this way, you will be a healing force in their world in a way that you can not fully fathom.  Be a safe harbor for those in your life.  Give the greatest gift of all.  Learn to listen.

Happy Holidays and a Happy New Year.

May we all deepen our capacity to listen deeply and hear on a whole new level

P.S. As always, I write about what I most need to learn. And in that vein, I will be working on listening on a whole new level in 2019.

Thank you for listening to my words. I deeply appreciate your time and attention.

Blessings to us all.

Warmly,

Hayley Mermelstein
 
p.s.s. Our next Group Healing in Amherst, Ma. will be Monday, January 14th at 7 p.m.  We are located at 800 Main Street, Amherst, Ma. middle door in the front of the building. 

Our healing community and healing power is growing. Feel free to join us for this evening of light, love, healing, community and laughter.  We look forward to seeing you soon!

I was talking to a friend yesterday about the challenge of self love and how truly learning to love oneself was not always an easy task. On the surface most of us would say we do love ourselves and yet as we dig deeper we find places of darkness within that still need healing. I often wonder what would change in our lives if we truly loved ourselves? What goodness are we denying ourselves because of our lack of self love? What opportunities might open in our lives if we really felt worthy to receive?

It is on this note that I wrote the piece entitled: Even though. It is about truly leaning to love ourselves even though we are highly flawed and often can’t live up to our own ideals of ourselves. It’s about learning to love ourselves with all of our imperfections.

I offer this to all of us today and we enter the holiday season. During this time we may rub up against our own wounds and the wounds of others. We may be tempted to fall into self judgement or judgement of others.

Perhaps this poem will help all of us to stay a little kinder and a little more compassionate with ourselves and others. Perhaps this is the greatest gift we can give one another as we enter into this holiday season.

Even Though.

Even though you are highly imperfect, I love you anyway.
Even though you have made many mistakes. I love you anyway.
Even though you feel so flawed some days, I love you anyway.
Even though you have meant well and sometimes done the wrong thing, I love you anyway.
Even though you have trouble saving money the way you would like to, I love you anyway.
Even though you move from one imperfect situation to the next, I love you anyway.
Even though you have days where you feel like you can’t do this, I love you anyway.
Even though you are flooded with self doubt some times, I love you anyway..
Even though you have starved yourself and over ate all in the name of trying to fit some societal ideal of beauty, I love you anyway.
Even though you have abandoned your own needs time and time again. I love you anyway.
Even though you are not sure if you can navigate this life you have been given, I love you anyway.
Even though you have been unappreciative, I love you anyway.
Even though you are not as disciplined as you may like, I love you anyway.
Even though you are messy sometimes, I love you anyway.
Even though you have loved those who can’t love you back, I love you anyway.
Even though you have been selfish, I love you anyway.
Even though you have been been self denying, I love you anyway.
Even though you have been insecure, I love you anyway.
Even though you have been arrogant, I love you anyway.
Even though you have remained passive when you should have spoken up, I love you anyway.
Even though you have been too rigid, when you should have been loose, I love you anyway.
Even though you thought you were right when actually you were wrong, I love you anyway.
Even though you have been afraid, and that fear caused you to act in out of balanced ways , I love you anyway.

Even though you are flawed and imperfect, I love you anyway.
Even though you are flawed and imperfect, I love you anyway.
Even though you are flawed and imperfect, I love you anyway.

Our lives are a series of moving from one imperfect situation to the next. We have our imperfections and the people around us have theirs. We have our blind spots and the people around us have theirs.

And so we must learn to love the imperfections both within ourselves and within others. We must learn not to be so surprised by them. They are part of the human condition.

Learn to love the imperfections. Learn to love the wounds. Learn to love the humanity within yourself and within others. This is the way out of the pain.

There are imperfections and wounds within you and all around you. Learn to love them and they will not control you any longer. Learn to expect them. Learn to stay balanced around them. Learn to embrace the wounds, learn to embrace the imperfections. Learn to embrace the messiness of the human condition in all its pain and all its glory. Learn to love that which you deem unlovable within yourself and others. Learn to love the humanity as you learn to call out the best that is within you. Learn to love it all and you will be free.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Sincerely,

Hayley Mermelstein

I was sitting in my meditation this morning and while I was sitting an insecurity came over me. I was flooded with the feeling of not being good enough and wanting to run from a situation I was being guided toward. The urge to run was so strong but so was the urge to move towards.

What’s a girl to do?

Anyway, I sat in my meditation feeling somewhat tortured by my conflicting emotions when I heard a voice whisper: You are a gift. You have something valuable to offer to this situation. You are a gift. Stop holding back. You are a gift.

And this of course, this reminded me of a story.

About 20 years ago I attended a Tony Robbins workshop. During the workshop Tony would periodically have us pair up with a partner to discuss what we were learning and experiencing. There was an uneven number of people in my row and so I found myself pairing up with a man a few rows back. He would come and sit next to me during the partner time of the workshop and then return to his original seat when the discussion was complete.

During one of our conversations I felt really drawn to invite him just to sit next to me through out the workshop so that he didn’t have to keep moving seats. The impulse to ask him to move seats was really strong but I held back. I was afraid of giving him the wrong idea. I was afraid of imposing my will. I was concerned he wouldn’t want to move seats, etc… etc.. And so, I squashed the small voice within that said: Ask him to sit next to you.

The day continued on and still the voice within me persisted and began to get louder: Ask him to sit next to you, it demanded.

No, that is rude. My younger self shot back to my intuition (and wiser self.)

Why would he want to sit next to me anyway? He is happy where he is.

“Ask him to sit next to you” the voice persisted.

No, I am shy. I don’t want to ask him to sit next to me. I don’t want to impose on him. He seems happy where he is.

The voice at this point got so loud, that I actually couldn’t ignore it or fight it anymore. It was so loud that I could barely even concentrate during my paired discussions with this guy.

Hey, I said to the man whose name I could not even remember. Why don’t you move your seat and sit next to me so that you don’t have to keep moving around.

Sure, he said. Great idea.

(All that worry, for naught!)

Anyway, he moved his seat and sat next to me. Shortly after Tony had us turn to the person sitting next to us and give them a shoulder massage (This was something Tony had us do periodically through out the day. And, btw, I was a massage therapist, so this was my specialty). Had I not asked this man to move seats he would not have been sitting beside me for this exercise. I gave this man a short shoulder massage and then he started to cry.

During our next partner interaction he confided in me that he had grown up in an abusive household and had never in his life had nurturing touch or massage and was very shy about physical touch. He had been sitting alone before I asked him to sit next to me (which I hadn’t realized) and so no one had given him a massage yet during the day long workshop.

He said me giving him that short massage was incredibly meaningful for him and had helped him to break through a lifetime blockage of letting other people touch him.

I sat somewhat stunned by the story. No wonder the voice in my head was so insistent. No wonder I needed to ask this man to sit next to me. And to think I almost missed this opportunity to contribute to his life in this way because I was feeling insecure.

I heard the voice whisper to me again and this time it said: You are a gift. Value yourself. You are a gift. Stop holding back. You are a gift. You are a gift. You are a gift.

How often do we hold back our gifts to the world because we are not valuing ourselves enough? How often do our insecurities prevent us from helping another or stepping into our full potential or following our own flow and guidance? How can we value ourselves more and remember the truth of who we are? How can we stop holding ourselves back and step into our full contribution, our full service, and our fullest version of ourselves?

I think we have to start by seeing ourselves as a gift. No matter how flawed we may be. No matter how many weaknesses and insecurities we may have. We all have gifts to offer this world.

I had no idea that following my intuition and guidance that day would be so important. I had no idea that massaging his shoulders would be one of the turning point of his life.

I shutter to think what would have happened had I not listened to my inner guidance, had I been too shy or hesitant to ask this guy to move his seat.

I continued to sit next to this man throughout the day. We continued to share our experiences and even did a second massage exchange. At the end of the day we hugged and he thanked me for asking him to sit next to me and for helping him to break out of his fear of people and touch and isolation. We hugged and went our separate ways.

I gave him my gift of compassion and nurturing touch and he reminded me that I am a gift and to stop holding back. Our work together was done and we both went back into our lives a little stronger.

Perhaps he was the whole reason I attended that workshop to begin with.

And so I remind myself now and all of us:

You are a gift.
Stop holding back.

The world needs your light.
The world needs your full contribution.

Let go of the self absorption:
What will they think? What will they say? Will I be rejected?

Let it all go.

Stop thinking so much about yourself and how you will be perceived and start thinking about how you can contribute to the lives of others.

Start thinking about how you can listen more deeply and follow your deepest guidance.

Start thinking about the fact that you are a gift and have gifts to offer this world.

Stop indulging in insecurities and value yourself and offer that which you came to offer.

Affirm frequently:

I love myself.
I love myself.

I value myself.
I value myself.

I am a gift.
I am a gift.

I have gifts to offer this world.
I have gifts to offer this world.

I hold back no longer.
I take my foot off the brake.

Spirit guide my steps.
Show me where I am needed.

Remove my insecurities and fill me with the awareness that I am a gift so that I can offer what I’ve come to offer.

I take my foot off the brake.
Use me as you will.

I am the humble servant.
I am the here to serve.

I am filled with greatness.
I offer my full contribution.

I am a gift.
I am a gift.
I am a gift.

~Hayley Mermelstein

Everything you want is right outside of your comfort zone.

I saw a postcard the other day that said: Everything you want is right outside of your comfort zone. I’m not sure if this is entirely true, but for the most part, the postcard had a good point.

As I looked at this card, I couldn’t help but reflect on a time in high school when I wanted to ask a boy to the prom. I had had a secret crush on this boy since I was 13 years old. I was too shy at 13 to say anything to him. The years went by and we were in different classes and had very little contact. When I was a junior in high school I was floundering hopelessly in advanced French and switched in desperation into a remedial French class. And there, in that class, much to my surprise, was the boy I had liked since I was 13 years old. I was seated right next to him. He and I became fast friends often talking before, after, and sometimes, during class. Even though we were clearly friends, I still sensed that he was somewhat oblivious about my feelings toward him.

Somewhere towards the middle of the year, I had a knowing that I wanted to ask him to our high school prom. This was definitely, without a doubt, outside of my comfort zone. This wasn’t something the girl did. What if he rejected me? Does he even like me at all? Am I making a fool of myself? All of these thoughts swirled through my head.

I still remember sitting by my phone with his phone number in my hand. I sat by the phone for two hours mustering up the courage to call him. I remember that I cried and didn’t think I could do it. I didn’t have friends I could talk to about this at the time and didn’t feel comfortable getting advice from family. So I sat on the floor in my bedroom and cried. Everything I wanted was indeed outside of my comfort zone.

I finally picked up the phone and called the phone number. I remember feeling sick to my stomach. His mother answered and handed the phone to the object of my affection and I simply asked him if he would like to go to the prom with me. He thought for a moment and then said, “sure.”

I wave of relief washed over me. Not so much because I got what I wanted, but rather because I had faced my fear and took action. If I remember correctly, I got off the phone and cried some more.

Two weeks later this boy called me asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner. We went out to dinner and thus began our three-year (very meaningful) relationship.

Everything you want is right out side of your comfort zone.

These days as I think about some of my next steps in life, I once again feel some of the fears that I felt at 17 years old. Old fears and even terrors come to the surface. I even thought to myself the other day, I can’t do this. I can’t do the things that I’m being asked to do. Fear and parallels overtook me.

In that moment, I did what I often do in these sorts of moments and I sat down and did a meditation. In that meditation a very simple phrase came into my head. The phrase was: I can do this.

As I sat in the stillness, as I sat in the fear and the feeling I can’t do this, somewhere from deep within a voice echoed: I can do this. I can do this.

The smaller me said, oh, yes, I remember now, I can do this. I forgot, I could.

I started sending love to the part of me that was afraid and trembling:

I love you.
I love you.

It’s going to be okay.

I can do this.
I can do this.

I love you.
I love you.

I can do this.
I can do this.

I love you.
I love you.

I can do this.
I can do this.

And slowly, the feelings began to evolve and change. I quiet confidence and power began to arise in me and I began to grow a little stronger.

I love you.
I can do this.

I love you.
I love you.

I can do this.
I can do this.

I can do this.

I am confident.
I am confident.

I am powerful.
I am powerful.

I know who I am.

I can do this.
I can do this.

Now I would like to tell you that this is where the story ended and that I lived happily ever after never to face this particular fear again. But alas, that is not so.

I came out of the meditation stronger, only to forget the very next day all that I had just remembered.

(Reprogramming our mind and bodies is a process for sure).

And so, I sat in mediation the next day. The fear arose again and once again I heard the voice say: You can do this. You can do this. Oh yes, I forgot. I can do this. I can do this. I love you and I can do this.

And so it is a process, of stepping into our confidence and our power. Some days it comes naturally and some days we have to dig deep. Some days we feel like we are failing but even still we are moving closer to finding our strength and our confidence and our knowing that we can do that which is ours to do.

Everything we want is indeed right outside of our comfort zone. If this is the case then we are going to have to dig deep, find our confidence and wisdom, find our courage, send lots of love to ourselves and when the time comes to jump, we will need to jump.

We may still find ourselves crying on the bedroom floor sometimes but still, even so, if you listen deep enough, you will find there is a quiet voice within whispering to you. It is saying: You can do this. You can do this. It’s going to be okay. You can do this.

Blessings to us all.

Have a good weekend everybody. And if you liked this post and want to join with others who are working on overcoming there fears and stepping into a more empowered version of themselves please feel free to join our next group healing on Monday May 21rd or our weekly Thursday night meditation class. Both groups start at 7 p.m. and our drop in.

Sincerely,

Hayley Mermelstein

The words we say to ourselves are powerful and can have a powerful impact on how we think, feel and act. We can learn to evolve how we think, feel and act by changing the words we say to ourselves and embodying new attitudes.

Our tendency is to want to achieve certain external achievements and from there have our state change. For example: We get the promotion at work and then we feel good about ourselves. Or we win the lottery and then we feel abundant. We get the positive health report and then we feel whole. But what would happen if we learned to change our state first and then observed how the external world responds.

As an example from my own life, I had a dilemma this morning and I felt very uncertain about how to proceed. Confusion and lack of clarity seemed to surround me. I decided to sit and meditate and cultivate a feeling of certainty, power and confidence, even though I didn’t know how to handle the situation at hand. (i.e. instead of waiting for the answer to my problem so that I could feel certain, I decided to cultivate a feeling of certainty and see what happens.

I sat in mediation for about an hour and half (sometimes it takes a while to change your state!) and I as I filled myself with certainty, confidence and power, a quiet knowing about how to hand my situation arose.

It was a good reminder to change our state first and then see what happens, as opposed to waiting for our outer world to change so we can feel certain emotions.

If you would like more assistance learning how to change your state separate from external conditions in your environment please join us for our weekly mediation groups at 7 p.m. on Thursday nights and our monthly Group healing at 7 p.m. on Monday nights (next group healing is Monday April 23rd)

For now I will leave you with this exerpt from the meditation that I wrote this morning to help move me from confusion to clarity. Be aware as you read these affirmations how they begin to change your state.

I am certain. I am powerful. I am confident.

Take a moment now and affirm:

I am certain.
I am certain.

I am powerful.
I am powerful.

I am confident.
I am confident.

Feel your certainty now.
Feel your confidence.
Feel your power.

There is a place within you that is already certain, confident, and powerful. Connect with this place within you now.

Feel it. Embody it.

There is greatness within you. You are spirit and you are divine. And as you connect with this place within you, you will have greater access to these qualities.

Give thanks now that these qualities already exist within you.

Thank you that I am filled with certainty.
Thank you that I am filled with confidence.
Thank you that I am filled with power.

Feel the certainty that lies at the core of your being.
Feel your power.
Feel your confidence.

Embody it now.
Feel it now.

I am certain.
I am powerful.
I am confident.

Embody these principles, separate from what is going on in your environment. As your thoughts and feelings change, you create a new attitude. As you create a new attitude, your vibration changes, as your vibration changes all of life can respond in a new way to you. Allow this to be your experiment for the week. Practice embodying a new attitude and see how this impacts you life.

And again if you would further help and assistance with this feel free to join our weekly meditation group on Thursdays at 7 p.m or our next group healing (Monday April 23rd at 7 p.m.). Both groups are drop in and held at 800 Main Street, Amherst, ma. (middle door in the front of the building.)

I look forward to seeing you soon.

Sincerely,

Hayley Mermelstein

It was the evening before Thanksgiving and I was tucking my 11 year old niece into bed. I was giving her a back rub (part of our night time tradition) to help her unwind from the days events. While I was massaging her back she turned to me and said: I told a boy I liked him today. I paused, somewhat surprised by her late night admission and said: “oh, I didn’t know that you liked a boy, What is his name?” She replied, and then I asked with genuine curiousity: What did he say?

He said he would let me know on Monday, she replied again.

Now I wasn’t sure what exactly he was going to let her know on Monday but I decided to let that go and continue with my line of questioning.

Will you be okay, no matter what he says on Monday?

Yes, she replied earnestly.

I’m just glad to get it out of my head, she added.

How long have you wanted to tell this boy that you liked him? I asked,

About two weeks, she said.

Wow. You are braver than me, I said. I’m not sure I could have done that at your age. (Actually, if truth be told, I wasn’t sure if I could do that now!)

After she drifted off to sleep, I couldn’t help but reflect on our conversation. I knew exactly what she meant when she said she was just glad to get it out of her head. I have found that when I don’t express something that genuinely needs to be expressed it can get stuck in my head and start to go round and round creating all kinds of havoc. I was genuinely so inspired by my niece’s bravery and boldness and her knowing that she needed to express.

In chakra language: the throat chakra is the center of healthy expression. It is also the center for growth and learning. When we hold back our natural expression, things stagnate and growth and learning slow down. When we express in a genuine and attuned way the energy moves, situations in our lives evolve (one way or the other) and we naturally grow and learn. Healthy expression helps move the energy in our bodies and in our lives.

How did the story with my niece end? I actually have no idea. I broke my foot playing soccer with my 12 year old nephew the next day and got distracted and forgot to ask. (not to worry, my foot is just about healed now and I will see my niece shortly.)

But, one thing I do know for sure, is that my niece slept well that night because she said what she needed to say and had surrendered the outcome. She got it out of her head and was at peace.

~Hayley Mermelstein