The greatest gift my grandmother ever gave to me came several months after she died. Her greatest gift came the night she visited me in a dream.
My grandmother died about 20 years ago and immediately after her death I was consumed with guilt. I felt guilty that I had not done enough for her. I felt guilty that I had not given enough of myself. I felt guilty that I did not appreciate her more.
I loved my grandmother and she loved me, but she was a challenging women. She had a hard life filled with difficulty and she had become bitter and negative which made her difficult to be around and so I limited my time with her.
When I did go to visit her, a great deal of the visit would be spent with her complaining about how I never came to visit, which of course made it hard for me to want to go visit again (ps. I was in my twenties at this time, so didn’t have the best coping skills for all of this.). And to be fair the visit would also have good food, and popcorn, and movies and family. It was a mixed experience.
Anyway, back to the greatest gift.
So, when she died I found myself consumed with guilt. I felt guilty that I had not gone and seen her more. I felt guilty that she was lonely. I felt guilty that I had not appreciated her enough. I felt guilty, guilty, guilty.
I was about 33 when she died and really didn’t have the skills to deal with my guilt either. And then one night, in a dream, a couple of months after she passed, she came to me. It was a simple dream. She smiled at me and told me not to feel guilty. She said, “The problem wasn’t that you didn’t appreciate me enough, the problem was that I didn’t appreciate you enough.”
Those simple words resonated with truth and hit me deeply. I suddenly saw it. The problem in this case wasn’t that I didn’t appreciate her enough, it was that she didn’t appreciate me enough.
And with that a huge weight was lifted from my chest.
Thank you Bubby. (Yiddish word for grandmother), for taking the time to come back and help me heal the feeling of not being enough. It was truly the kindest and most generous gift you ever gave. And thank you for the love and the pizza bagels and all the food. I know food was love for you. And thank you for the kindness and caring. I know that you loved deeply.
We are all so imperfect in human form and
we are just doing the best we can.
A plate of compassion all around and
a plate of forgiveness all around.
I hope that some burden you are carrying will be lightened now.
I hope that you are okay.
Forgive yourself for your mistakes.
We are all so imperfect in human form and it is okay.
We are spirit and we are divine and
that is where are perfection lies.
Forgive yourself today and
grant someone else some forgiveness too.
We are all so imperfect in human form.
And it is okay.
It is all okay.
I’m not sure if I’m writing this for me, or my grandmother, or for you, my kind reader.
Perhaps I write it for all of us.
For we are one and share the same human condition.
Forgive yourself today.
We are all so imperfect in human form.
And it is okay. It is all okay.
And it is going to be okay.
Relax.
Breathe.
Trust.
Allow.
Forgive yourself.
Forgive someone else.
It’s all going to be okay.
It’s all going to be okay.
It’s all going to be okay.